Four score and seven ye...hmm. Not quite right.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of...nope.
Regulators! Mount up! Not it either (man I hope you guys remember that one).
Failed intros aside, the first annual HUMR (short for badasses) Beer Mile was an outstanding success!
With all the hype and ballyhoo (yeah, I went there) leading up to (and it was a loooooong lead up) this race, it would have been understandable if it ended up coming across a little flat. Let me assure you that it did not. I was so stoked to hear that this race was finally going down, that I immediately signed up on Ultrasignup (or something similar anyway) only to quickly learn that my son's birthday party would be happening at the same time. I'm no genius (well I am, but I don't want to brag), but I knew that my bid for Father of the Year would suffer if I skipped his b-day party to drink beers and run in a field. I had to withdraw with much remorse. Luckily, fate is a stubborn old cow and my fortune would soon be looking up. The
The wait was arduous. All I could do was train and wait and plan my outfit, of course. This was no ordinary race. I needed a special kit. After contacting all the big name shoe companies and weighing the offers (turns out the timing just wasn't right for most of them, go figure), I decided it was in my best interest to outfit myself this go round. It was a difficult decision, but after much deliberation I found the perfect pasture Beer Mile kit (which, contrary to popular belief, was not Village People inspired :p).
Race day eventually arrived, and I was absolutely giddy. I was grinning like an idiot the whole way over. This was big time. HUMR's don't mess around when it comes to having a good time. We're talking BBQ'ing, free keg of delicious beer, slack-lining, and FARM ANIMALS! P.A.R.T.Y!
I was a late comer, so after signing the very professional waiver, I was able to witness the first heat of eight runners. It was tough to watch while laughing so hard, but I immediately noticed I had some stiff competition in Les. He was on my pre-race scouting repaort as an individual to keep an eye on. I wasn't quite sure where Les' running was at, but I in no way questioned his drinking ability. Les didn't disappoint, getting out of the gate first and setting a brisk pace around on his first lap. He wasn't slowing down either. I think he actually got quicker after ditching the bottles and going to the dixie cups on his last two laps. Sorry Beer Mile purists and fun haters in general, but when you get a free keg, you utilize it! And let's face it, we weren't going to be setting any records here...this year. When Les came in under 8 minutes, I knew I had my hands full. Luckily Jon's "outfit" and general lack of drinking skills (snicker) placed him a little further back. The heat was not without casualties though as there was a DNF or two, and an injury even (sorry Lindsay, hope your ankle is better). This did not look easy!
I actually had butterflies in the starting chute. My legs were Jello. This was getting out of hand. I was feeling the pressure as I believe a few people had pegged me to win. This was foreign territory, and it wasn't sitting well. No matter, none of that would matter when the starting gun went off. The first beer went down without a hitch and I got out of the gate quickly. Running down the first straightaway though, I could hear somebody behind me, and I knew it was Aric. He was also showing up on my scouting report as a contender. Nothing was going to make this easy. I was stuck pushing it, and it wasn't going to be pleasant. The first 1/4 mile was fine, if slightly uncomfortable, but when it came time to drink my second beer...ugh. It's TOUGH to pound a beer when you're gasping for breath. It took me a bit to work it out, and after a false start, I finally manned up and pushed through. Second running lap, slightly more uncomfortable. Luckily, the third beer went down a little better as I worked out how to manage it on short breath. The third 1/4 mile though was miserable. I was belching constantly and my gut was aching, bloated with beer. I didn't want to run and I sure didn't want to run fast. This was starting to suck. It's amazing how long a 1/4 mile can feel, and the hair pin turns weren't helping. No matter, push on. There's a race to be won damnit! Luckily the fourth beer and lap went pretty well. Now it was a matter of time. Did I have enough? I knew it was going to be pretty close so I pushed it a bit the last 1/8th mile. Now's probably a good time for a tip for future Beer Milers. If a high heel to toe drop is considered less stable, then running in cowboy boots...well the 1.5 mile heel to toe drop didn't help over uneven terrain, and despite being tall, the ankle support is definitely iffy at best. Fun stuff. I finished without incident, bent over to catch my breath (and be prepared to hurl if need be), and was pleased to hear that I had won! 7 minutes and 26 seconds. Probably the North American trail race performance of the year if I may modestly say so. I wish I could recall all the finishers and times, but frankly, the only reason I remember mine is because it's engraved (or written in pen) on my TROPHY!
Please note I am excluding the one beer, one lap report because it sucked and beer came out my nose. Congrats to Les for winning that though, and that's the reason my shoes were changed.
I think my wife is secretly super proud of my performance because it took her until today to take the trophy out of the front room (I'll probably sneak it back though :) ).
A big thanks to everyone involved for a first class event, but especially to the organizers. Thanks to Jim and Karen for hosting and providing the meat. A fine time at the Skaggs farm, as always. Thanks to Aric (and anybody else that contributed) for the schwag and the trophies. Thanks to Roosters for the important stuff and Joel for lining that up (I think?). Thanks to everyone dagnabbit! That was just dang fun. Can't wait to defend the Mark Wurlacher Cup next year! Don't worry, it'll have plenty of time to accumulate more dust!
For more photos and videos, head to the HUMR Facebook page. If you are unawares of the HUMR Facebook page...get cooler and maybe we'll talk. ;)20
